How to ask Open Questions

I have found that one of the main problems that people have is how to ask good questions. Most people know that open questions are better than closed questions to get at the route of a problem. Yet it is still so easy to fall into the closed question trap.

Well what is the difference?

Open questions draw the client out as they offer the opportunity to look at the braoder picture. they are designed to encourage creative thought and allow the client to explore their ideas. Open questions ask for a more descriptive answer. they are non-judgemental. For example, "What are your plans to address this issue?" Your client/employee, feels unthreatened and can voice their ideas in confidence. Open questions cannot be answered with a simple Yes or No.

The opposite closed questions limit the person answering. They generally elicit simple one word answers or a yes/no response. They bring an end to the line of questioning and you have to start again.

Words like Who, What, How, When and Where are often used to start open questions. Openings such as , 'tell me' or 'describe to me' are also effective. Opening questionings like do, have, has, is and are lll tend to impose limits on the conversation.

Empty Nest Syndrome

My youngest daughter left home at the weekend. I never thought it would happen. When she first told me she was leaving I never thought it would happen. But believe me it has.

I have cried for the past two weeks, off and on, not in her presence, but usually in the evening when I am on my own. Today I cleaned her old bedroom as a sort of drawing a line under the sand kind of way. I am trying to be positive and looking at all the positive outcomes of this new life I have.

Cheaper food bill, electricity etc. get to keep make up, shampoo, pants to myself, a quiet house, no more cigarette smoke.

But I am fooling myself, I will miss our girlie chats, having a giggle sharing a bottle of wine, being naughty and jointly demolishing a bar of chocolate, saying to each other no, you don't look fat in that!

I am looking forward to going around to her house and having her cook me a meal, I wonder if I can escape the dishes.........................

Letting Go Of The Past

This exercise will help you to reorganise your past and bring memories to the conscious mind from the unconscious. You can then dismiss memories that you don't like and disgard them, they are no use to you so let them go.

1. Close your eyes and recall a time where you were most comfortable and at ease, this could be a beach, your garden or anywhere at all. Visualise the colours, hear the sounds, feel the feelings.
2. Now you are relaxed, think of a memory from your childhood, one that is clear and focussed. Now take your first footsteps and as you do so recall that time when you were a child. If there are any unhappy memories visualise them drifting away into the distance, geting smaller and smaller, dimmer and dimmer. You will now be free of them for ever. The happier memories you will keep and they will become brighter and brighter.
3. Go through each year of your life in the same way until you reach the present.
4. When you have reached this point you can have a fresh start.

It is no longer time to live in the past, if you have made mistakes, you are amongst the biggest band in the world. Noone is perfect. Enjoy building beautiful memories.

How To Influence Anyone and Everyone

Secret number 1 is to build rapport. The dictionary definition of raport may go something like this "A harmonious or sympathetic relation or connection". A more appropriate definition would be. "Your ability to enter into someone's model of the world so that you can give them the feeling of being totally understood".

The key word here is 'understood' because understanding is at the core of relationships, sales, coaching and many other areas where interpersonal skills are used. Rapport, is about effective communication. In this area, Dr. Birtwhistle's 1970s' reasearch is often quoted. He determined that 55% of your meaning is communicated by your physiology, 38% from your tone of voice and a mere 7% from the words you use.

To establish and build rapport, you must speak the other person's language, here is an example:

A music tutor was trying to explain how to play a particularly troublesome piece of music to a student. "Look at the music sheet and get a picture inside your head of where you come in and keep an eye on me"

"It doesn't feel right" said the student.

The tutor continued painting the picture but the student still did not get the point. His pal whispered to him. "You know when you are skateboarding. You turn in mid air and hold out until the very last second. That's the feeling he wants you to get with the music"

The student got it at once. His friend knew the words that connected with the students thinking process. The tutor did not.

Human beings process information by using their five main senses of seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling and tasting. These allow the mind to code and understand what is happening. Although everyone has these senses, some will be more developed or favoured than the others and it is these preferred senses that will be used to represent the world.

Once you are aware of this, you can detect the preferred sense of anyone that you are talking to. In the earlier example, the music tutor was clearly a 'visual' person as revealed by him using the words, look, picture and eye in his teaching. the student was a feeling person, in fact he used the word feel to his pal. His pal picking up on this used the same feeling speech pattern and there was immediate understanding.

How To De-Clutter Your Mind

The Interior Clean Up - what do you do when there is a big black cloud hanging around you and your life. I see this as an opportunity to have a good old clear out of the cobwebs and dust in my interior loft. I find some space when no-one is going to interrupt, lie down and close my eyes. It is now time to get out my duster and give my mind a good old spring clean. I search through memories good and bad, sort them out into piles - just like clearing out a cupboard. I then throw out the memories that are painful, old jealousies, bad decisions, any thoughts which hit the pit of my stomach. Next, I put them into black bin bags ready for the skip. I find this leaves room for the good memories, thoughts and decisions to stretch and grow, be at the forefront of my mind, and be easier to access when the going gets tough.

Try it - it works!

Positive People - How to Be One

Have you noticed that most people are afraid of negativity, the catch is that whilst they are afraid they can't fight negative thoughts. Fact is that we all feel down some of the time and when we are down it is easy to imagine that everyone else is having a fantastic time, have fantastic jobs, brilliant relatioships, beautiful houses, fast cars and amazing bodies.

But, how do you know that everyone else has all this positive energy and trappings, well, you don't. It is just your imagination winding you up, because you don't actually know what someone else is feeling or thinking. It is all in your head. In fact, the next person to you probably thinks that you have got it all and they haven't.

So how do we cope with our internal dialogue and train our mind to be more upbeat and positive so that we can get on with life more freely leaving us to deal with challenges more easily.

You have to change your negative thoughts into positive thoughts, and create positive energy from negative energy.

For example a negative thought such as I don't believe in myself becomes I believe in myself,
Instead of thinking I am a Victim, think I am in control, change I am a failure into I am a success, in fact in this way you can easily challenge any negative thought by changing it into a positive one.

Changing your thoughts will change you energy. the more you practice the easier it will be.

So why not start right now? I have.

How To Be A Winner

Winning isn't always about being number one - winning is a state of mind - Zoe Koplowitz



Zoe is a 50 something American woman who is a diabetic and multiple sclerosis sufferer, she completed the 26 mile London Marathon on a pair of crutches - it took her 30 hours to complete, the winner completed the race 28 hours earlier. If you check on her website you will find that she has completed 22 marathons, coming last in each one, in her book "The Winning Spirit" she writes "There are times when last can truly be your first"

Sometimes, we need to look at what others are doing to realise that winning is indeed a state of mind. To be a winner is to recognise your strengths, start by writing them down, even the small ones, everything you are good at or proud of for example, I can make a really good curry!

Once you have listed everything, write them out again on post it notes and put them around your home, car, workspace.

Then start a list of things you would like to achieve, again put them on post it notes but give yourself a date that a) you will start and b) you will complete.

Next compile a list of things from the past you want to forget, then rip it up and throw it away.

From now on you will concentrate on your strengths and new challenges. With each step you take on your journey you will become a winner.